I don't really know where to begin with this post and I have a feeling it may be a bit of a ramble, so apologies.
On Friday I excitedly hopped on a train down to London once again for the monumental blogging event of the year - Britmums Live. It is the event of the year in our little world and one so many of us look forward to for the full twelve months prior - as soon as we book our tickets the day they go on sale and set a reminder in our phone for the date train tickets become available. It is a day that sees hundreds of us plan our outfits, glam ourselves up and flock upon the Brewery in London. We all sit in a room, side by side, cry, laugh and learn together and our community becomes strengthened with every word and every embrace. It is immense.
And this year it all proved too much.
Last night I sat on my phone reading tweet after tweet of how amazing the event has been, how it has meant so much to so many. Blog posts started to appear almost immediately, thanking friends new and old and pledging to return next year. Last year that was me - I was on a high for days afterwards, brimming with ideas and possibilities and finally feeling like I belonged.
I cannot believe in the space of only twelve months how far I've fallen and I am heartbroken. I love blogging so so much and nothing will dampen that spirit, but I only wish I could find that love in myself.
I spent a lot of this year's event alone, sometimes physically but most emotionally. I once again felt completely lost and in a room surrounded by people hugging and chatting and bonding I was on the edges, peering in and wanting so badly to fit.
I feel like a child once more, and I thought I had left those feelings behind me.
It has completely knocked me for six and really made me question myself and my well being. Last night if it wasn't for some amazing people who took some time to message me, I really felt I could have fallen off at the deep end.
I am sorry to all those who read my blog and who are possibly questioning whether to bother any more. I'm sure that to continue hearing my woes is draining and that you will likely go elsewhere for the happy, pretty, even normal world that you may prefer to read about. Sadly that is not mine right now and I have to be honest (if that's one thing I learnt this weekend!).
So will I return next year? Of course. Because despite myself, there are the people. People who remember you may be having a hard time and quietly make sure you are OK. The people who reach out when you send a lonely tweet. And the people who carry your bags, come check on you regularly and step out when you need to.
Britmums is amazing and if you are reading this questioning whether you should go, please don't let me put you off. You will be in a room full of inspirational people and somehow that will seep through your bones. You will learn about yourself, your blog and your goals. You will laugh, cry and be awed. You will take so much away from it I cannot even tell you.
And despite everything I did do all of the above, just maybe not in the quantities I may have liked to. But here's to another twelve months and learning from my mistakes. Here's to blogging and bloggers. And here's to embracing the happiness.