Round and Round The Merry-Go-Round

Today has been one of those days. In fact it has probably been one of the hardest days in a while due to things out of control, rather than my mood.

I have now had three seasons of CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. The idea behind this method of counselling is to challenge and change your thought processes. So far my counsellor has helped me pinpoint how my negative thoughts can spiral and cause emotional and physical symptoms which can end up becoming a vicious circle. 

My counsellor has this week challenged me to become aware of my negative thoughts and write them down as a way of realising when I have those type of thoughts and hopefully change my thinking.

Today started well - I was tired but decided that instead of dwelling on this, I would plan some activities. My mum was arriving at midday so the children had breakfast and then I set up some painting - the first time I've ever braved this inside. It went well. However by lunchtime it all changed. Little J became tired and yet refused to nap and both children played up. From then until bedtime. After the first hour I was exhausted and frustrated and quickly losing all patience. It's a good job my mum was there or I don't know how I would have coped.

I find it hard in these situations to put the therapy into practice. The children's behaviour is out of my control, obviously I can discipline them but these behaviours can't be changed overnight. My negative feelings during these times I feel are not irrational (e.g. I can't cope, it's too much, I'm going to breakdown) and so the teaching of letting them go is hard to put into practice.

It is now eight pm and I am emotionally, physically and psychologically drained and not sure if I can handle another day. It seems those good days are just completely wiped out when a bad day arises and leave me feeling completely deflated.

I want so much for things to change and get better, but on days like this I despair.


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