If you follow me on social media at all you will be aware that the last couple of months have been tough going. As some of you may know I suffer from M.E./Chronic Fatigue and have done for the last three years, and in that time things have been a battle. For the majority of this year I was on the up, feeling a lot better, more awake and happier than I had been in some time. I was able to do things with the children, I was feeling motivated and actually working. Then September hit and it all went to shit.
I have always struggled in the winter months and probably also suffer from S.A.D - Seasonal Affective Disorder - where due to lower amounts of serotonin in the darker months you can feel more down and tired than usual. All of sudden, after enjoying life so much, I couldn't get out of bed, and when I did I couldn't shake off the exhaustion that clouded my head.
It's so tough to know that when these things hit, it's not only yourself that suffers but those around you too. The children, although a lot more understanding the older they are getting, struggle to grasp why I cannot always be there. Why I can't go out for walks with them, why daddy often has to do bedtime and bath time. My husband works long hours and is now having to manage the most of the household when he comes home. He rarely gets a rest or time to himself, apart from a snatched hour here and there when I feel up to watching the children for a bit. My mum comes over to help out wherever she can and I have to rely on her far more than I should at my age. There's the never-ending guilt and thoughts that spiral out of control in a head that can hardly hold them in.
So here I am, trying my best to keep it together but often feeling like I'm not quite succeeding. I'm not really here for the children apart from the practical tasks that are a necessity, like feeding and dressing them. School, daddy and other family members are providing the majority of their nurturing right now. I spend 70% of my day in bed and the other 30% counting down the hours until I can go back. The enjoyment I had only a couple of months ago has been stolen and replaced with dread and anxiety.
I am trying my best to focus on what I have got to look forward to - Bonfire Night, which I have always enjoyed, a couple of gatherings with friends and of course Christmas, which brings Holly's birthday along with it. It's not all for nothing and I am hopeful that once Spring starts to appear my mood will righten itself a little and hope can return.
But in the meantime things are not great and I hope you can forgive me my absence as I try my best to look after myself in the hope that on those odd moments of wakefulness I can be there with my family. I hope if you also suffer you are faring a little better than me, and if not know you are definitely not alone.